| Shut Up Karl - Episode 4 |
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[ Written by Donal (thor@redbrick) ] ****************************************************************** "Shut Up Karl" - A 'Boring mumbling waste a shit' epic in 3 mails. ****************************************************************** It was Monday. Dawn. There was something warming about the September sun as he walked toward the dominating building. The redbrick facade of those labs just seemed more inviting than usual. This was to be a pleasant day, he felt. An unconsious impulse took care of the code roboticly and he instinctively hit the buttons and pulled the door open. The air was warm and distinctly fresh and he felt relaxed as the light hum of the computers lulled him up the stairs and towards L101. The building was empty. Silent of human noise and a haven of geeky tranquility. He typed his password "clarinetz4ever" and hit the enter key. It took him several seconds to fully take in the rather unusual screen which followed. A black window confronted him, with small red letters saying "user deceased" centred in it. A torrent of memories flowed through him and he realised where he has spent the last episode of this story. He slumped on the keyboard and passed out. He was not alone when he awoke. Several figures were walking toward him. Conor walked faster and got to him first. "We can't log in anymore, y'know", he fingered his moustache knowingly. "We're dead.... and I really wanted to log in and see if anyone posted". Karl was weakened from his earlier shock. He sat up slowly and looked around. The same group was still there.. the nightmare wasn't over yet. "But... but.. Heaven? I remember it.. why are we back here? Why would we all end up in the labs again? Are we dead?". Karl was pale. "Well, It seems we've been revived, so to speak" Donal stepped forward eager to explain; "It's Andy's fault actually". Andy smiled uneasily. "It happened like this...." , the physicist continued, "Myself and Andy were walking around... y'know..... *makes hand gestures denoting inverted commas* 'Heaven'..... looking for... *does it again*... 'God'.. to see if he was real and that.. and if all the athiests are wrong.. and to ask him about Adam and Eve and evolution and all". The others sit down on the uncomfortable plastic chairs. "Anyway, we were walking around asking the 'angels' where we'd find him, when we met Moses... Andy was a bit skeptical about his story and tried to get Moses to "make locusts appear or do that trick with the water, ya fictional fucker" and Moses was a little annoyed. He declined a demonstration and as he walked away Andy threw some unleavened bread at him". Everyone stares at Andy, who tries to suppress a laugh. "Obviously he must have complained to the management and we got emails saying we were to be expelled to hell. All of us. So I replied... 'supreme_being@hotmail.com' I think it was... and said that we'd try and repay him for Andy's bad beheavour if we didn't have to.. y'know.. be eternally damned and whatever". Karl looks at Andy distainfully. "So I got a mail back saying that we were to come back to Earth and see if we could help *does the finger thing again* 'God' out by finding the AntiChrist for him and giving him time to get ready for Armageddon". Karl slumps again. Conor tries to log in as "Summer Camp 1999" and isn't listening to the story. Ronan looks unhappy and speaks. "How are we supposed to find the AntiChrist? Did he give us any clues or anything? It's probably Saddam Hussein or something..". The others mumble among themselves as Donal hands a folded up page to the freshly-consious Karl. "I printed this out from a mail he sent me back". Karl unfurls the page slowly for dramatic effect... "But...... these are the words to 'TimeWarp' and various Wham songs from Bacchus". "Oh, *ahem* That's mine" Donal snatches it back.. "Here is the one I meant". Karl doesn't bother with the dramatic effect and just reads out what it says while everyone looks on in anticipation (except Conor, who is flicking a pistachio nut against the side of one of the D6's). "It says: 'The AntiChrist is in DCU, That's the best I can do... What do you think I am, omnipotent?... yours etc, God' wow, the most evil being alive is right here in DCU.....". Everyone looks at Andy again. "No" Karl continues, "there's more.... 'PS: It isn't Andy' ....". Andy looks annoyed and dissappointed. "Who would be more evil than me though?", he says in disgust. "I kick the homeless, y'know". "There is one other possibility..." Pat speaks for the first time in this story and probably the last because he has had a bottle of Tesco wine and is barely able to form coherent sentences. "Serena the pregnant Lunch-lady has given birth to a beast of gargantuan evil?" that guy from Cavan interjects... "Shut up, Johnny... " Pat says, grinning maniacly... " It has to be....". He falls of his chair and starts to laugh. "Who?" says Andy, kicking him and swigging what's left of the wine. "Ken" whispers Pat as he crawls under a table and falls asleep. Shocked stares and overacting ensue. "It's true, It has to be true", says Andy decisively, "so I think the smartest thing we can do is to track him down, throw Conor to him so that he has something to devour and while he's distracted we hit him with FunLiam". "Yeah..." said Donal "Ooooor.. we just tell 'God' it's him and we're off the hook and maybe I can finally get back to that new physical constant for 80's music that I'm working on". "How do we contact God though?" asked Andy uncertainly. "Pray, I suppose" said Karl. "Emmm Hail Mary.. who art.. in heaven... " Donal began.... "Dammit... I never remember this stuff... I should have listened more as an altarboy, rather than planning the downfall of the Catholic church.....". Andy falls over laughing at Donal's secret past and the praying idea has to be abandoned because of the disruption. Pat wakes up because of the laughter and throws bits of sandwich at people before falling back to sleep. There is silence and everyone leaves the room and walks outside, except Pat who is under the table and snoring loudly. The sun that had been so soothing earlier was shaded by dark and ominous clouds as is always the case in stories like these where the author over-uses pathetic fallacy. The small group.. Karl, Ronan, Andy, Donal, Conor and Johnny walk towards the canteen. They find, not the canteen they knew and loved, full of plastic chairs and even more plasticy chicken burgers.. but an empty shell of a building and a SISK construction sign. Johnny fell to his knees weeping. "The lunch-ladies... MY lunch-ladies..." he sobbed uncontrolably... "They're gone.. GONE..". He clambered over the fence and picked at the rubble inside. "Let's just go" Ronan said. "Where though?" interupted Karl, "Ken wasn't in the labs.. or the canteen..". "If I were the epitome of evil.. where would I go?" thought Andy. "Eureka" shouted Donal in a 'plagarising famous exclamations from other scientists type way'... "I watched a lot of 'Scooby Doo' and 'Poirot' as a kid and what we need to do is find clues...". "Yeah.. no shit.. " a cynical Andy mumbled. "Well, think about it... Ken worked for part of the summer as a librarian, so the obvious place for him to hide is... ". "Some sort of underground cave where he'd have satyrs to protect him?", asked Conor. "Yes" Donal replied. "Or we could try the library". They run accross the big circular open area toward the windows of the library. "You could be right" said Ronan, "there _are_ people inside". "Nope" said Donal, moving to another window to get a better view, "It's just Brian and Sarv playing games again". They walk around to the side entrance beside the vending machine and try the library door. It's locked. Conor buys some shitty french bun from the machine for 60p. They all turn to walk into the HG when the glass doors at the other end of 'the street' slam shut. Ken stands there silloutted against the storm outside. Lightning strikes a crane and it falls onto the half-built new library. "Hello guys", he says with a wave. "Noooo", screams Ronan "Eat Conor!!...". They all push Conor to the front, but he's too busy trying to figure out what the hell flavour his bun is supposed to be, to notice. "What's wrong with all of you?" Ken asked calmly. "You're the AntiChrist" said Karl. "Right?". "No, that's silly... what are you talking about??.." the bemused Ken replied. "Dammit, Pat must have got it wrong... I'm off to mail 'God' and tell him we give up" an angry Donal says as he storms off to the labs again. "Oh Pat told you this?" smiled Ken. "I met him a few minutes ago.. he's gone to try and break into his old Res. apartment because he thinks he left the chip-pan on". Everyone sighs and follows Donal to the labs. He is waiting for them in 208. "He replys really quickly this 'God' guy" he says, still doing the stupid gesture. "He mailed me back to say that It's probably Saddam Hussein after all and we are off the hooooook and free to live our lives again...". "Oh yeah, our logins are restored too". Smiles all around as they rush towards the PC's. "Strange that it was nobody in the College after all" said Karl. "God seemed sooo sure... oh well.. netterm time". A shaft of light came through the window and reflected off the metallic finish of FunLiam. He looked distinctly menacing today. Last modified: Saturday, 16-Jul-2005 12:04:45 IST |