| Shut Up Karl - Episode 5 |
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Part Five of the Three-part Epic -- And on the twenty-seventh day of the eight month there was boredom and apathy in the workplace and imagination stirred. And lo there was silence and in the silence I heard a voice and the voice said unto me: "What the hell are you doing writing more e-mails, Donal, get back to work". But there was a passion within me and that passion drove me on and I did ignore the warnings of the boss and took up my keyboard to follow Karl. There was to be yet another addition to the epic. Donal 12: 16 - 20 -- It was a cold day and Andy walked briskly down the street. He saw a homeless person and took a coin from his pocket. He walked toward the destitute man and leaned foward with the coin. The man's soiled face was lit up with gratitude, for what was just a meagre coin to this young student was a meal and a means of survival to the starving man. His faith in human kindness was restored with the generosity of the youngster. Andy kicked the man and ran away, waving the coin. Further up the street, two men in dark suits had watched the event and closed on the grinning Andy as he approached them. The labs were cold too, as Donal walked up to find the others in 208 heying and surfing and posting (well, Conor was posting) and generally getting back to the life they had briefly left behind. "Howa-ye?" inquired Donal, using the little known Leitrim plural of 'howaya'. "Hello, yeah, we're all fine" said Karl, casually looking up from the browser he had open on ' bibleinfo.com ' "What happened with the whole... us being dead and now we're back to life situation?" continued Donal, "I mean what did your families say when you just showed up again" "Let's just ignore that hole in the plot, shall we.." said Ronan "This story doesn't make any sense anyway.. look at the bits Karl wrote for gawd sake.... " "I suppose hooooles in the plot might be alright" agreed Donal, "After all, the best movies are full of discontinuities.. Look at that new Star Wars one........." "Hey!, Mesa like dat movie" spluttered Pat, from the corner, where he was reading the Dilbert website and eating a burnt sausage sandwich. "I was wondering though" continued Donal as he paced over and back, crunching pistachio nuts that were on the floor around Conor's chair, "What the hell is left for us to do in this episode... we've had courtroom drama, heaven, the canteen and battling the AntiChrist.... where can it go now?" "This episode could just be surreal", the orange flamingo in the tutu ventured... "Nah" said Karl, "Let's not go over the top" The flamingo left in annoyance, taking her inflatable dingy with her. "Well, Probably best to keep it believeable" agreed Johnny The door of the lab opens and Andy walks in. He is carrying a big yellow tambourine and holding coloured leaflets. "Sorry Andy" said Karl "We just agreed not to go all surreal and silly for this episode" "I'm not" replied Andy in an unusually serious tone, "I have joined this church *he displays the leaflet* I am a junior member of the 'Particularly Holy Church of Obscure Central European Saints'... we call it 'P.H.C.O.C.E.S.' for short" There are shocked stares. "Fuh-cos-is... fuh-cockis..... It's really hard to pronounce though" said Pat, spitting sandwich everywhere as he tried to form a word from the letters, "I'm off to CostCutters to buy some cheap white wine" "But that wine has AntiFreeze in it" said Karl, giggling happily about getting a Simpson's reference in. "Emmmm, Aren't you an evil creul athiest?" asked Conor, looking up from a posting he was making about nobody posting. "I was... But, Bob and Timmy helped me see the errors of my ways... aaaand, I got this tambourine too" said Andy, with the same stupid smile on his face. Donal sat down on the desk and spoke: "You just met some jesus-freaks on the street? And converted?.. C'mon Andy.. this is a joke, right?" Andy shook his head; "No, friend, It's not. The P. H. C. is where I belong.. we aren't jesus-freaks.. we just love and share and sing and give money to the church by direct debit.... Here, have some leaflets" Donal takes one of the leaflets and makes it into an origami swan while the others just look blankly at Andy and refuse to touch them. "Sorry Andy", said Karl, "We don't want to be a part of your cult" "But, my friends" Andy replied "Can't you see that St. Rastopholus and St. Hilda and the other Obscure Central European Saints, are the only hope this crazy old world has got" Everyone stares, but with better acting this time. "And besides, If I don't recruit someone I can't become a senior member and get my monthly premium brought down" "Look....Karl's a staunch Catholic, I'm doing Physics and Conor... well, he works in AOL... We can't join" said Donal decidedly. Andy looks at the others with a sinister smile. "Emmm, I have to go and show my little brother how to use the FunLiam account....... again" said Ronan as he sprints out the door. "Well.... eh... bye" screams Johnny as he runs head-first toward the window. Instead of crashing through it dramaticly and falling to his death on the paved path below, however, he just bounces off with an unusual sound and is hurled onto the floor stunned. Ken crawles out from under the table, where he had been hiding from the flamingo and hurries toward the door. "I have to emmm... Ah screw it, I can't think of a good excuse... I don't want to be part of your cult either" Andy spots Sarv and Brian playing games again at the other end of the labs and goes over to give them leaflets. They don't look up so he leaves them the one marked "Join our Church in three easy payments" "We should help him says Conor, logging out. The other two nod in agreement and Karl logs out too. "But how can we reverse the damage that's been done to him...." asks Donal, "Shur, he's friendly now... and he's lost all of his cynical bitterness and twisted nature" "Yeah, I miss his cursing and hatred and snide remarks" replies Conor. "The time has come for Action" shouts Karl, leaping up and tossing his chair to one side. Conan the admin quickly approachs and throws Karl out, for causing disruption and chair-related violence. Andy tries to make them hug and gives him a leaflet.Conan claims he has to make an urgent call to CSD and runs away. "C'mon Andy" said Donal, "We'll save you from this religion bullshit" Karl glares and then helps escort Andy toward the bus-stop. "Where will we take him?" asks Karl, as they walk slowly down the avenue to the Ballymun Road exit, behind Andy who is picking the handfulls of grass and throwing it in the air. "We could take him to some cess-pit of modern corruption, crime and sin.. to show him that the world is not some happy huggy place" suggested Donal. "AOL?" asked Conor immediately. "Well, I was thinking Tallaght actually" Donal replied, " But hell, that's waay better..." "How about you take him to Leitrim" asked Karl, "He'd be away from any human contact and would slowly go mad and return a bitter sarcstic wreck" "Hmmm, It worked on me alright" said Donal, "but it takes years to get to this level of cynicism and arrogance... we need a short term solution" Everyone looked puzzled and they continued walking behind Andy, stopping to kick him on here and there when he paused to commune with nature and talk to the shrubbery. They were about three-quarters of the way up the avenue when Pat fell out of one of the trees on to the cement path ahead of them. "Shite, are you OK?" asked Conor, running forward. Pat laughed and stood up, then fell over again. "I'm fine.. " he said, grinning wildly and clutching a bottle of CostCutter Own-Brand 'Chateau Supermarche 1999'. "What the hell are you doing falling out of trees?" asked Conor, bewildered at the poor Pat who has managed to get drunk in yet another episode. "I went up to say hello to the guys" said Pat as he collapsed back into a small bush. The assembled group looks up into the tree to find Ronan and Ken clinging on to the branches in an effort to stop themselves becoming members of the PHCOCES religion. Karl began to sing happily.. "Ronan and Ken.. up a tree... K....." "N... I ..T..T..I...N..G..." interupts Donal. "Awh this is lovely" the smiling Andy says, "We're all back together again... let's hug......" Donal kicks him. "Oooops, we're not all here" said Conor, "We left Johnny unconsious on the floor of the labs" With that, a small ambulance driven by two sheep in yellow and blue GAA jerseys drives past, with Johnny waving out the back window. "I fucking knew this would get surreal" said the flamingo as she rowed down the avenue in her dingy. Ken fell out off the tree in fright, his flamingophobia getting the better of him. As he fell, he dropped FunLiam onto the cranium of the happy Andy and knocked him to the ground. "He's dead!" cried Conor, eager to have a more melodramatic role in these stories, "Our friend is dead... curse you fate.. and curse your metal exterior, FunLiam" He fell beside Andy and wept. "Will you shut the fuck up, you stupid bollocks" said Andy as he got up. "Andy... Is it really you?" Karl cried.. "The real Andy?" "What's up with him?" Andy turned to Donal, "did they give him altar wine again?" "Well, Andy's cured, it seems" Donal pronounced triumphantly, "Let's go to the shitty chipper accross the road to celebrate" They all smiled happily, except for Andy who noticed a yellow tambourine on the ground beside him and flung it over the hedge into Hampstead Park. "Fucking stupid thing" he murmered and followed the others. The Tambourine sailled accross the hedge and hit an elderly nun, killing her instantly. They crossed the road and bought some ships. Last modified: Saturday, 16-Jul-2005 11:49:55 IST |