| Shut Up Karl - Episode 3 |
|
****************************************************************** "Shut Up Karl" - A 'Boring mumbling waste a shit' epic in 3 mails. ****************************************************************** "After this I looked, and behold, a door was opened in heaven: and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me; which said, Come up hither and I will shew thee things which must be hereafter." *** Imagine the scene, if you will. A spacious well-apointed room that is comfortably cool. Large windows that look out over elysian green fields filled with happy furry animals and hippos wallowing in mud baths. Several large and comfortable sofas are dotted about the place, draped with tasteful ethnic prints. There is a large open section at the far end, clearly marked 'Play Area', in which are to be found several of every type of games console, and PC's, each fitted with PIII's, running at 600mhz, 128 Meg of RAM, 25 gig hard drives, and each sporting a 21-inch monitor and stereo speakers. On each of them are small stickers which say 'Designed for Clouds98', with little logo of a cloud coloured in four different colours. On the wall too, this logo can be made out, with the caption under it 'Now 100% bug free'. Some of the computers are on, and their screens reveal a desktop similar in look to that of a commonly used operating system using a windows-based interface, all of their backdrops being different screen captures from a well-known simpsons hallowen episode entitled 'Homer^3'. On each of the desktops too, there are colour terminal windows open, which appear to be connected to a system known as 'DCUNS'. Neatly filed away on a long shelf is every computer game ever conceived of. There is a chute marked 'Endless supply of beverages (alcoholic and non- alcoholic)'. There is another, at a slightly lower height, marked 'Endless supply of sweets, chocolate, and canteen-style chicken burgers'. In a near corner, there is a stand containing the widest range of forks and BB guns ever assembled in one place. There is a locker on which is written 'Tapes of "Who's Alan Partridge?", plus Classic Movies, Bond Movies and Star Wars', and another, larger locker beside it reading 'Every episode of "The Simpsons" ever written - all uncut', both of which are next to a surround- sound gigantic television and video recorder, which are currently showing the Simpsons episode, "Homer goes to College". An expensive looking hi-fi plays REM's album, "Out of Time". All is calm and tranquility. And the room is not empty. Sitting laughing, drinking tea and eating buttered crumpets, we find Ronan, Karl, Pat, Conor, Ken, and funLiam. They are enjoying a heated debate about how Homer, Lenny, Carl, and Charlie managed to escape from that room in the power plant with the painted-on emergency exit. They look contented and relaxed. Pleasantly, the doorbell chimes. "Telnet Redbrick", it announces, to the merriment of all. What looks to be a sinister, cowled and dark figure puts his head around the door. We realise that it is Andy. "We should really stop leaving this door open y'know - sooner or later we're gonna get some stupid-ass preachin' git in here, and then where would ye be, eh? eh?", he says as he walks into the room. He is closely followed by Donal, who shuts and locks the door behind him as he comes in. "Well you could always use one of the forks or something", he comments. "I mean, they're stainless steel and everything". "Yeah well I don't trust that Podesta fella there", replies Andy. Karl simles happily in stark contrast to Andy's stare. "Well, y'know - we did have someone in here while you were gone" mentions Ronan. "Some Jehova's witness or something - he left once he heard the REM". "What? how the fuck did those losers get here?" said Andy. "Oh yeah," replies Donal. "we met him on the way back - remember? I just told him my name was Bobby and he walked off confused". "oh yeah" laughs Andy. "Anyway" says Conor. "Sit yourselves down, you're just in time for tea". "Tea?" exclaims Donal. "Where the fuck am I? Roscommon?" Ken goes into the kitchen and returns almost instantly with seven steaming hot cups of strong Kenyan tea which he puts down on the C++ code printout strewn table, next to the large bowl of mixed pistachio nuts, smarties, M'n'M's and fizzy cola lollies. A mobile phone ring can be heard - nothing fancy - just one of those bog standard rings. Donal takes his mobile out from his pocket as he and Andy sit down. "Yes? yes....uh-huh...em...yeah...well, noooo, I can't come to a Phys/Eng ball tonight - I'm dead". He pauses, listening, then turns off his mobile, and replaces it into his pocket. Everyone looks at him, grinning, as he pauses, makes a fake, patronising grin back, and rolls his eyes. "So then. So. Then. So.". Pat looks at Andy and Donal. "So. how did your work go today then?" "Oooh, that would be bad then" replies Donal. "Yeah, not one stupid fucking soul wanted all this crap to go and be replaced with eternal blackness and nothingness" mentions Andy. "However, we did manage to sell a 'Fuck off scum' t-shirt" says Donal, "But that was only to Hitler again". "again?" says Ken. "Yeah - I think he must get like, really bored in that cage and stuff. And what with the people throwing things at him n stuff." There is a pause. "Did _you guys_ throw anything at him?" questions Ronan. Andy and Donal look at each other. "No, of course not" There is another pause. Shiny Happy People plays in the background. "Well, ok then - yeah, Andy stuck a rock and rolled it in one of the t-shirts, and threw it. We were gonna ask for the t-shirt back, but Andy said to me - 'shut up fool, we'll just let him have it, go back to the guys, and make like we sold one'" Andy frowns at him. Donal thinks. "Em...right...forget what I just told you all. Or something." "So you did'nt find God then?". Karl grins slightly at his question. "Nah - he was'nt too happy when we beat him at chess, SimCity2000, and won that debate with him over youthanasia last week", says Andy. There is a momentary hush, as everyone looks around the room, like expecting something to happen. "Maybe you should say that again or something" says Pat. Then, there is a booming voice heard above everything. "No. You. Did'nt.", it says. "fuck off God" replies Andy. "You loser". "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" the booming voice booms. "He said he has a bad itch", replies Ronan calmly. There is a pause. "Oh. Oh well, ok then." the voice is less booming. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico". The booming voice is heard no more. "Y'know - he's a class act all the way", says Karl, sucking on a fizzy-cola lolly. Once more, the doorbell chimes. "Telnet Redbrick". "It's ok - it's locked", Donal mentions. The door as if by magic, opens, and a bearded figure in a white robe pops his head around. "Oh, er, hello" he says gently. "The door was open so we just let ourselves in. I hope you don't mind". Donal looks at Andy and shrugs. "No, not at all," replies Pat. "In fact, you're just in time for tea". Donal and Andy look at each other once more, this time, more scared. Three large, similarly holyish figures enter the room. Ken goes to the kitchen once more, and returns once more, just as instantly with 3 more steaming hot cups of tea. "What is it with you guys and the tea thing anyway?" asks Donal. He is ignored. Ken puts the cups on the table. "The best parts' in the rump!" he says breezily to the 3 figures. "Er yes" the first one replies. "So. Matthew, Mark and Luke. How you guys doin..." asks Conor. "we have'nt seen you since last week's bowling competition..." They laugh. "heh - Matthew, Mark and Luke..." says Andy sarcastically. "Where's 'John'....?..". He sniggers. "He's taking a bit of a break for the moment. He said something about artistic differences." answers Mark. "Anyway..." says Matthew. "We just thought we'd see how you were, y'know...settling in...", he ofers while sipping his tea. "Yes" adds Mark, looking around. "And to see if there's anything you need. You know - perhaps you'd like to borrow a cup of sugar or something like that?" "Oh, we're fine" answers Ken. "Never better in fact. We've been over to the racing track and had a go on the go-karts, we've been swimming in the lake, I've been teaching them how to snow board on the mountain, and we managed to catch with Lee Harvey Oswald and John Lennon the other day and ask them some questions. That's put all our minds at rest. And Pat does'nt often leave the Dilbert theme park - he's in his element there." "Oh good" says Matthew. "We're glad it all worked out for the best are'nt we lads?" The other 2 nod their heads in solemn agreement. "By the way - isn't there more of you - where's that little guy?" "You mean funLiam?" asks Ronan. "He's right over there - thicko.." They laugh. "No - I mean the other guy. That hyper sheep fella who says well a lot..." "Oh, the Cavan boy - Johnny..." realises Donal. "that's him, aint it?". He points to a discarded corner of the room, where Johnny can be seen drinking a cola-like liquid out of a dog bowl. They all look over. "Kids love that water", follows-up Donal. Andrew gets up, goes to the door, opens it, and beckons to Johnny. "Run boy - you're free now..." Johnny gets up and runs outside excitedly. Andy closes the door behind him. Matthew shakes his head. "Whatever happened to that nice young lad..." "Nah - it's ok - we think it's just the vast abundance of Red-Bull about here" says Ronan. "Y'know - yesterday evening when he came back in, he was obviously all out of it - we were able to have quite a coherent conversation amongst all of us, including him, about how trees are replacing people in County Leitrim". "Oh". Mark looks surprised. "So, there's nothing else we can do for you then?" "Well," pipes up Conor. "There is one thing..." A nearby window reveals Johnny running past, arms outstretched, with an estatic open-mouthed laugh on his face. "Yes?". Luke looks up from a copy of "Shut up Karl - a mumbling waste a shit epic in 3 mails" which he has been engrossed in ever since arriving. "What's that?" "Well, we were just wondering..." The students look at each other. "Mr. McClure," asks Ronan, "what does DNA stand for?" The evangalists look at each other puzzledly. "Em, we have to go now" says Mark, as all 3 of them stand up and make for the door. "C-come on guys...". They open the door, walk through it, and vanish. "Well," says Karl as the door bangs, "It's not that tough being a film cricket, purple monkey dishwasher". Everyone looks at him in a stare that almost says "Shit Karl, not again..." Ken pipes up. "So - any o' you guys wanna play stickball?" "Certainly" "Yeah" "Most surely" "Lead the way" "Sure", the responses echo. Everyone apart from Ken, Donal and Andy, get up and head into the play room. Ken follows them, a bit behind them. "I get to use it first you guys" Andy and Donal saunter in behind them. "I hope it does'nt rain on the pitch again". Donal sniggers. He receives a blank stare from Andy. "Shut uh-up". The smile disappears from Donal's face as they both walk casually into the games room, and thus disappearing from view. ----------- ------------- ... ... ... *recorded voice starts* "Hello, I'm Karl Podesta - you might remember me from such shite mails, as today's 'The final Installment', or last week's 'Smoke yourself thin'. The court has ordered me to apologise to everyone for my shite mails. (Pause) I'm sorry. (Pause) If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send a cheque for $20,000 to : kpodesta@redbrick.dcu.ie You have the power" *end recording* *cut to scene of Troy McClure in a museum looking at a tape recorder* *he looks at the camera and smiles* "What a terrible waste - Karl knew what he was getting himself in for, and now he's realised that crime does'nt pay.... You might say to me : "Troy, you jackass - I already knew that!". (Pause) *angrily* You've got some attitude mister... So anyway, go home!, stop reading mail, and stay in school, your pal, Homer." *squeaky zit-faced studenty voice*, "Eh, Mr McClure - you're not Homer, and we've still got 20 minutes left to go..." "Oh, eh, we do?" *surprised* "Well, eh, just let me get something out of my car...." *Troy runs off* *student looks in from off-camera* "I don't think he's coming back...Diane...I'm gonna take my break now..." ------------ Goodbye dear friends, and remember, if you've enjoyed reading all this as much as I've enjoyed writing it, then you probably need a girlfriend. END COMMUNICATION. Last modified: Saturday, 16-Jul-2005 12:04:16 IST |