| Shut Up Karl - Episode 1 |
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****************************************************************** "Shut Up Karl" - A 'Boring mumbling waste a shit' epic in 3 mails. ****************************************************************** "In the beginning there was Karl. And the word was Karl, and the word was with Karl. Then God remembered, and decided to create some people." *** An almost bursting ray of light sneaks under the half-raised blind at the back of L208 in the original Computer Applications building in Dublin City University, and onto the monitor screen of CAPC-002 in the back row. There, Ronan, unmoved by the Sun's early morning welcome, reads the greeting message of Redbrick, having just logged in on his now familiar NetTerm window. All is calm. "You have new mail". "That's strange", thinks Ronan, "I did'nt have mail the last time I checked - how very odd". "I wonder if it could say 'You've got mail'...". Ronan grins at his thought. A traditional look around reveals an empty lab bay, and indeed, an almost empty lab. "Oh well, I suppose I better check it - I have'nt checked my mail since last Friday for some bizzare reason - probably because of Ray and his recently uncovered internet ADDICTION, and not letting anyone else use the phone - not even for phone calls...lousy Ray and his addiction...wish I was sibowitz...". The angry thoughts disappear from Ronan's head, and the scowling look from his face, as he types 'mutt' and presses the 'Enter' key. *** A few drops of rain splash against the well-known slanted windows at the back of the college grill bar. In the sky overhead, dark clouds gather, propelled by a wind which steadily increases in force. The sun is obliterated, and it is almost as dark as night. Far off in the distance, thunder rumbles. From outside the window, we can see 5 first year students inside, gathered at a table in the usually brighter, non-irish-speaking section, conversing over meals of half-eaten-burnt-soggy chips with battered white sponge in a bundy. Some of the meals have been half- eaten, others, not at all. There is only one that looks like it has been fully cleared. The students names are Pat, Andy, Donal, Johnny and Conor. Rain, as if from nowhere, now lashes against the window and roof. Where is strikes the glass, it forms a sheet of water that tumbles gurgling into the gutter. There is a flash of Lightning. During this brief, but almost infinitely bright flash of lightning, (possibly helped by the fact that light does indeed travel in waves) where there were once the 5 first years, we now see 5 of the same student, all seemingly resembling the one that is called 'ANDY'. The flash of light fades, and even though it is almost as dark as night, we can paradoxically see the 5 'different' students once more, in perfect clarity. *** Inside the grill bar, behind the slanted windows battered by wind and rain, the mighty students are sharing conversation (and an edition of 'an Tarbh' from 2 weeks previous with a particularly funny in a gosh-we're-really-bored-I-suppose way 'Crazy US laws'). "Well, here's Liam, Ken and Ronan", comments Johnny, referring to the 3 approaching figures. Each of these figures is shadowed by the blackness from outside, however, one of them looks smaller, shinier, and more sinister than the others. "...So anyway, I had to kill the guy and the cops are still lookin' for me...", finishes Andy as the figures reach the table and sit down, filling up the remaining 3 seats on the 8-seater table. They all exchange greetings, initally consisting of head nods. Johnny and Ronan greet each other in bouts of "Well", continuously repeated respectively between them, complimented by a small head nod and an almost half-smirk. Pat and Donal (also being from bog Irish country) join in, although are noticeably less comfortable with it than Ronan and Johnny. The Dublin students seem unmoved by this bizzare salutation, and are busy exchanging salutations of their own, entirely consisting of continuous head-nodding. The greetings between everyone continue for approximately 3.14159265358979323846264338327 minutes before they relax and continue conversation. There is quiet as Ronan and Ken unpack their lunches. The two eye the 'megabytes' plates and the mess of food contained on them, which the other guys have. Then they look at each other, and commence sandwich eating. Johnny, with his hand supporting his head in a typical I'm-bored-and-from-Cavan fashion, looks at the salt shaker in front of him, and appears to wake up. "Well, who wants some salt? You want some salt? You? How about you Pat?". "Eh, Johnny, I'm finished" replies Pat uneasingly. "Fine - you Donal?". "Eh, noooooooo." "How bout you Ronan? Ken? No-one? Aw, right so". He replaces the salt shaker on the table, turns it so the word 'Salt' on it faces him, then resumes his previous position. "So - what about that new Star Wars film then - I hear that's a load of bullshit", volunteers Conor out of the silence which had ensued. The comment is greeted by strong EVIL DEATH glares from Pat and Ken. Both of them have equallly menacing glares. Conor eyes them scaringly. "But I read it when I was in AOL yesterday...". Andy, Ronan, and Johnny now join in the sea of evil glares which is received by Conor. Andy clutches his fork menacingly. Donal, perhaps feeling sorry for Conor, but clearly unaware of what he is saying mentions "I presume you guys are all members of LIBTUT...". The pupils of everyone's eyes turn death red - kinda like one of those evil red-eye photographs. Clearly something's about to go down. "We have a policy to nuke Roscommon...". There is a short pause. The guy's stares change to looks of half-interest, and Andy lowers his fork. They turn to each other and discuss it spouting stuff like, "well, yeah, that sounds ok", "Fair enough", "I had no idea", "yeah, good plan", all talking over each other. Peace and tranquility remains. "So you guys, I was just reading that mail from Karl - that whole 'epic' thing or something - you guys get that?" queries Ronan. "Yes - we were just discussing it earlier." Conor answers. The expressions on their faces are blank, yet not blank enough to hide thoughts of un-staisfaction and displeasement. "This gentlemen, is a grim situation", says Ken, looking around. "Something *has* to be done". They all nod in scaringly simultaneous agreement. "I mean - what the fuck was he thinking?". "We don't knooow" says Donal, over pronouncing the 'o' in a typical Leitrim manner. The acoustics of the grill bar area over-amplify this pronunciation discrepency every time he says it. "This time he's just gone tooo far". "I mean, mail after mail of unsenseical dribbling, just pure fucking nonsense. What the fuck is the matter with the stupid god- boy-tosser - can't he fucking say anything properly?", Andy interjects. "I mean it's bad enough having him into this whole God-religion-nonsense, he must be really dumb if he falls for that crap...". Everyone looks at Pat. "What? Just cos I play the keyboard thing - I'll have you know that I don't play it very well. In fact, I'm bringing the church down from the inside". He taps his nose. Ken nods sagely, staring blankly at his empty lunchbox. Everyone turns to him in amazement of his new defiant religious stance. "What? well why can't I be evil too? I am you know - have'nt you guys guessed from the laugh yet?" They all nod, and seem to agree with Ken, appreciatively. "And I mean - he does'nt even drink...", offers Ronan, "I mean... come on..what's the story there?...". "Well neither do I" says Ken. "Oh yeah, me neither" says Donal. "And neither does Johnny...." There is a pause, longer than any previous pauses. "It's ok - we'll teach you" comforts Andy. Pat joins in. "Yeah, and then I'll teach you how to puke in new and more exciting ways". "Yeah", says Johnny, taking a sip from his newly opened 'Red-Bull'. This is followed by an INSANE Johnny laugh, which has only previously been heard on few occasions. "Anyway", says Andy, "what about that time he read the Bill Gates book - I mean...I mean...". Andy firmly grips his fork, himself being gripped with anger. Ronan, who is sitting beside him looks a small bit scared. "It's ok Andy - we're all annoyed...". "How'ya Anna babe", nods Johnny to the rather well-endowed (and probably pregnant or something) grill-bar lady who just walked past the table. She turns and smiles in a rather UN-sexy fashion, winks, and then heads off. Before she goes she beckons to him to come with her, nodding her head. Johnny shakes his head in disagreement, as if to say "Not now, I'm busy". "And I mean, stupid mail was'nt even *about* him...the first 2 pages were Ross Peroe, and there were extracts from the Oliver North trial", continues Andy. "Ahhh Oliver North, he was just _poured_ into that uniform..." Everyone looks at Pat, then at each other, and then ignore his simpsons-esque statement and continue. "Then it's agreed. There'll be trouble". "Oh yeah, lots of trouble". "Yeah, trouble for the boy who won't shut up when told". "Trouble then" "For Karl" "Yeah" They all nod. In simultaneous fashion. While looking sinister. There is a flash of lightning, more bright and scary than the last. During this brief surge of light, the students retain their 'individual' looks, unlike the last brief flash, however, this time, an incredibly large shadowy image appears high above the table, and supposedly unnoticed by all at the table. It is once again, the image of the one that is called 'ANDY'. The image has his hands clasped together, moving his fingers in a fashion exactly like Mr. Burns. The image refrains from mouthing the word "excellent", but instead has an evil grin, with his eyes staring down upon the students. The light extinguishes, along with the image. "Aw, I love you guys", says Conor. Ken quickly grabs the fork before Andy has a chance to pick it up and stabs Conor. 4 times. "It's ok - Conor has been subdued. We can go." "Yes...go....", answers Pat, followed by an evil, evil laugh. Everyone else joins in, including Conor, laughing evily. Then, as if from nowhere, a little boy appears. "Mr. McClure, what does DNA stand for?". The students (who we shall refer to them as in the coming chapters, as students are evil - EVIL...damn students), look at the the little boy, then look at each other with a puzzled-caught-out look. "Uh-oh - let's get outa here". ----------- ... ... ... Stay tuned to this e-mail address to find the next installment of "Shut Up Karl" - A 'Boring mumbling waste a shit' epic in 3 mails... Will Ronan get out of the steaming pool of acid alive? Will Pat, Andy and Donal remember to "duck and cover" when that lava sea reaches them from the mountain? Will Conor ever quit AOL, and run naked around tallaght expressing his love for horses with no heads? And will Johnny express his undying love for funLiam, only to have Ken to tell him to "fuck off"? Stay tuned for... the SECOND INSTALLMENT.... PREVIEW : Terrence farts on Phillip, and laughs. Last modified: Saturday, 16-Jul-2005 12:05:51 IST |